


Notes and recordings

by BlackLake (PinkSparkleSoup)



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide, dark shit, i can explain, look i can explain, really dark shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-08-07 05:19:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7702258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkSparkleSoup/pseuds/BlackLake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To those that I love, and those I have hurt, and for what these words are worth.<br/>I'd like to say thank you, and I'm sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Notes and recordings

**Author's Note:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> Ok look. I had a fucking weird dream the other night where i was watching Urie kill himself in first person so it was surreal and kinda fucked up but i kinda really felt compelled to write what i watched through his eyes so WOOH have fun or not whatever.
> 
> also, no shit, but trigger warning.

He knows everything he wants to write before the pen even meets paper. He has been planning them for more than a few weeks, picking apart sentences to get the most of what he’d like to say out of the way.

 

_To those that I love, and those I have hurt, and for what these words are worth._

_Id like to say thank you, and I am sorry._

 

He wears comfortable clothing, a luxury he never indulged in in the past. The softness of warn cotton was a lovely contrast to his stiff business suit, he doesn't think he will miss it

 

Urie hasn't turned the lights on to his apartment just yet, the brightness will only make him more irritable, but the dim glow of his phone keeps the rooms illuminated as he moved around the small building.

 

The clothes belong to a once loved friend, one he can think back on only sporting a goofy sharp toothed grin. He’d only touched these clothes once or twice since his passing and never once thought to wear them.

 

Its a shame they will probably be ruined in the end.

 

_To my father._

_You inspired me to be something great._

_You inspired me to become an investigator and to protect the ones I love. I tried my hardest with mother till her final breath, and with you both watching over me I feel I have made you proud, somehow. Even with how undignified this is._

 

_To Shirazu._

_I’m sorry theres nothing I could do to save you._

_Your sister is alive and thriving, she's almost cured, I wish you could see her now, to see just how beautiful she's become._

_I was the best squad leader I could be in your place, but I don't think I could compare to what you were. I think, were you still here, You would have done so much better._

_Thank you for being my driving force._

 

When he flicks the light switch on in the bathroom its blinding, The polished white of every ceramic surface was sickening, with the sterilised atmosphere you’d associate with a hospital. There were no makeup stains, just one toothbrush, the medicine cabinet completely empty save for an accumulated pile of dirty shaving razors.

 

Urie plugged the drain to his bathtub and ran the water lukewarm, it felt almost comforting to feel the liquid pass over his hand. He stood and retreated to his bedroom again to retrieve his letter, it sat neatly folded for the past few days on his desk.

 

_To Saiko._

_I am so proud of you and how you have changed._

_You Lead the Quinx to victory many times, with the same friendliness and compassion you have always held, and helped these young investigators grow._

_I want to see you progress more, there are great things waiting for you, I have worked to open many doors for you, I only want what you deserve._

_I am sorry I’m leaving you, but I will be watching you._

 

_To Mutsuki._

_Im sorry for everything. Im sorry I gave up on you, on us._

_Im sorry I never admitted how I felt for you until it was too late, and I’m sorry for ruining your wedding. Im sorry for being so greedy all along, and even now my selfishness is in the way and changing how we communicate._

_You are strong, much stronger than me, and I hope one day you will get the recognition you deserve._

_I want you to live a fulfilling and happy life from now on._

 

The letter is left on the floor beside the bathtub. Pristine white standing out against more white, he was worried no one would see it and all the time it took to write would be for nothing. But no, it will be discovered, because he knows how thorough the CCG will be in searching his apartment once this is over.

 

Urie submerges himself, the water quickly soaking into his clothes and making the fabric cling to him. As he sat he reached out and grabbed two items he left waiting for himself, His phone and a new clean quinque blade.

 

He wants to reminisce a bit, who wouldn't in a time like this? and so he flips through age old photo files hes kept over the years. The further back he goes the more he can remember how he has changed. Their first graduation photo together with Haise, a mass of selfies saiko took with mutsuki, a couple of videos here and there every time saiko stole his phone.

 

It was nice, familiar, in a homely kind of way that made his chest feel a flicker of warmth amongst the coldness inside him.

 

_I request that my remaining possessions, and every cent to my name, goes to fund the Quinx project and its progression. There is so much potential to them._

_Please give my medals and awards to Yonebayash Saiko, and my Quinque, Ginkui, to Tooru Mutsuki._

 

_Bury me, or burn me, it doesn't matter. Where I am going I don’t need this body._

 

Urie clears his schedules on his phone, deletes a few apps and messages, like a routine clean up. He makes room for a final recording and places the active device on the floor beside his letter.

 

“My name is Urie Kuki” he starts and releases a breath he has been holding into for too long.

 

“I am a twenty five year old First class investigator of the Tokyo CCG, and this is my final report.”

 

“I have dedicated almost seven years to the CCG and i have killed so many people, ghouls, whatever, and so many people have died around me. Im…haunted by death”

 

He looks at the expanse of his exposed forearm, the veins swim with life and he feels only regret as he brings the quinque knife down against his skin. 

 

“Shirazu Ginshi, the first person I could call a friend, died five years ago today, and i still think about it. We tried our hardest to win, and we did, but at the cost of one of our best assets.”

 

He made a precise and deep cut in the skin, severing the arteries with minimal effort, and he grunted at the pain that burned in his fingertips. Urie took a shaking breath.

 

“I have watched many investigators die on the battlefield, and have taken just as many lives on my own in the name of the Human race. Ive destroyed families, murdered children and the elderly, I’ve spent so long acting righteous when the reality is Im a monster.”

 

Another cut in the same arm, leaving no room for a mistake or the possibility to heal. He takes the blade in his other hand, shaking from the damage and slow blood loss.

 

“I destroy every relationship I build with anyone. Yonebayashi cant trust me anymore, Tooru has stopped talking to me all together. Every new Quinx im given thinks im some monster. Im not sure what else I am here for other than to kill”

 

The right arm now takes a wound, but he only has enough energy to do so once and they both drop into the water below. Urie already feels his head swimming from lack of oxygen supply and the water is staining the white shirt pink.

 

“I…I’m sorry I’m doing this.” his voice is thick “I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m tired of death, I’m tired of being unwanted, I’m tired of hating myself, I’m tired of feeling nothing.”

 

“Father… mother.. and Shirazu, I’ll be joining you soon”

**Author's Note:**

> : )


End file.
